Innocence

in·no·cence

noun

1. the quality or state of being innocent;  freedom from sin or moral wrong.

2. freedom from legal or specific wrong; guiltlessness.

3. simplicity; absence of guile or cunning; naiveté.

4. lack of knowledge or understanding.

5. harmlessness; innocuousness.

The dictionary definition is so clear... Innocence is something that most people really value as a state of being.. the feeling of being innocent is a great feeling: knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that you have done nothing wrong - that you are "free from sin or moral wrong". It is the feeling of freedom: freedom from having to concern oneself with anything other than the simple truth about how things are perceived when there is no agenda... simplicity: lack of complication.

The innocence of children creates an overwhelming feeling within me to love and protect. Experiencing my own baby and her innocence is so amazing - I love that she naive - that her needs are simple. If she's hungry, uncomfortable, overstimulated or tired, she will let me know so that I can meet those needs. She is an easy baby. I am very blessed.

Stella's existence beyond simple needs is a joy! All her mind and body need to do at this stage is to learn. She's learned to feel happy and to smile.. learned to laugh (although that seems to have been a debut with no follow-on for now!)...she's learning to grab things & hold her head up straight for longer periods of time. She's learning about the sun and sleeping during the night.. the sounds around her.. her own voice..mine & Geoff's.

Being pregnant is a very different experience from having a baby. The selfish days of only having to care for myself - for every aspect of my physical being to maximise my baby's chance of being physically healthy and well, have morphed into a feeling of extreme and seemingly constant exhaustion. Someone said {with regard to breastfeeding} that a baby 'sucks the water out of your blood' . This goes beyond the physical & is a pretty accurate description of the physical and emotional sacrifice one submits to a child. Looking back & knowing what I know now, the mental and emotional preparations for being a mother feel now as though they were completely inadequate. Admittedly, this is most likely because I listened intently with both ears & really understood with half of one. It was not possible to prepare for something that changes one's life so radically - until one experiences it. I can say though that I am extremely happy.

Enough musing.... Stella is 9.5 weeks old now & her hair is growing longer each week! She is so adorable & I have to restrain myself from buying loads of toys to hang from her baby gym!!!!

We have been going down to the beach in the late afternoons on nice days....

Here are some recent pics:

With Daddy down at the Kom

Dress-up time for Daddy's birthday!

Daddy's birthday dinner at WangThai --
What's on the menu, Stella?

Visiting Robsie

Walking on LongBeach with Daddy

Enjoying the sunset at LongBeach with Mommy

Daddy takes great pics of our beautiful girl!! x

And here's our latest video:

5 and a half to go...

As the time draws nearer, I'm becoming more emotional & much much more clumsy than I've been for the last month or so. My tummy has become the landing-place of any crumbs / drips that may drop! I have to consciously reposition crockery out of the way of bumping..! Someone wrote on a blog about the third trimester a few little things that I can identify with:

• Rolling over in bed is a task that requires counting out loud. 1,2,3 GO!
• Picking up something off the ground requires preparation and thought.
• You select your shoes based on which would be the easiest to put on.

Licia phoned me on Skype today & I saw her sweetest chubby little boy when he woke up. Licia looked absolutely beautiful: I'm not sure how to describe it other than that she seemed to be glowing and radiant, even though she said she's sleep-deprived. How wonderful nature is to give us the precious gift of becoming a mother!!

I look at babies & birth videos & I somehow don't feel as though I can identify with them. It is not my experience. The babies are not the little child that is growing inside me. I see mothers and daughters & I do not know how it will be when our little star arrives & I get to be the mother & she gets to be my daughter.

Will she know that although I have not "chosen her" - as one sifts through options & chooses something, with all the reasons ranging from necessity to simply wanting the item - but that her father & I have chosen each other, and that we have chosen to have a child if we are blessed with one...and that we waited a long time for her to be the one who was chosen for us to love, raise, give whatever opportunities we can...and teach - all we know. That she is the one chosen to enrich our own experience of being human beings by us watching & experiencing her from the first scan....until the day that we are separated when it is our time to go...

How special is this? All I know, is that I do not know the depth of it, beyond that it is deep... deep... deep... and we've only touched down just below the surface...