Innocence

in·no·cence

noun

1. the quality or state of being innocent;  freedom from sin or moral wrong.

2. freedom from legal or specific wrong; guiltlessness.

3. simplicity; absence of guile or cunning; naiveté.

4. lack of knowledge or understanding.

5. harmlessness; innocuousness.

The dictionary definition is so clear... Innocence is something that most people really value as a state of being.. the feeling of being innocent is a great feeling: knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that you have done nothing wrong - that you are "free from sin or moral wrong". It is the feeling of freedom: freedom from having to concern oneself with anything other than the simple truth about how things are perceived when there is no agenda... simplicity: lack of complication.

The innocence of children creates an overwhelming feeling within me to love and protect. Experiencing my own baby and her innocence is so amazing - I love that she naive - that her needs are simple. If she's hungry, uncomfortable, overstimulated or tired, she will let me know so that I can meet those needs. She is an easy baby. I am very blessed.

Stella's existence beyond simple needs is a joy! All her mind and body need to do at this stage is to learn. She's learned to feel happy and to smile.. learned to laugh (although that seems to have been a debut with no follow-on for now!)...she's learning to grab things & hold her head up straight for longer periods of time. She's learning about the sun and sleeping during the night.. the sounds around her.. her own voice..mine & Geoff's.

Being pregnant is a very different experience from having a baby. The selfish days of only having to care for myself - for every aspect of my physical being to maximise my baby's chance of being physically healthy and well, have morphed into a feeling of extreme and seemingly constant exhaustion. Someone said {with regard to breastfeeding} that a baby 'sucks the water out of your blood' . This goes beyond the physical & is a pretty accurate description of the physical and emotional sacrifice one submits to a child. Looking back & knowing what I know now, the mental and emotional preparations for being a mother feel now as though they were completely inadequate. Admittedly, this is most likely because I listened intently with both ears & really understood with half of one. It was not possible to prepare for something that changes one's life so radically - until one experiences it. I can say though that I am extremely happy.

Enough musing.... Stella is 9.5 weeks old now & her hair is growing longer each week! She is so adorable & I have to restrain myself from buying loads of toys to hang from her baby gym!!!!

We have been going down to the beach in the late afternoons on nice days....

Here are some recent pics:

With Daddy down at the Kom

Dress-up time for Daddy's birthday!

Daddy's birthday dinner at WangThai --
What's on the menu, Stella?

Visiting Robsie

Walking on LongBeach with Daddy

Enjoying the sunset at LongBeach with Mommy

Daddy takes great pics of our beautiful girl!! x

And here's our latest video:

9 Weeks....

I'm feeling so tearful... I went to http://www.babycentre.co.uk though and watched this vid & I must say, it made me feel a bit more excited about what I'm going through. I just don't have energy & I'm really struggling to get my work done. There seems to just be way too much to do (even though I know that there really actually isn't).

I've just messed a whole glass of water on my desk for the second time in the last week. Grr.

I had no idea what to have for lunch yesterday so I made the most delicious Banana Crêpes with Bluegum Honey. They were so unbelievably yum that I'm not sure I'm going to resist making them on a regular basis.

I really need to focus. Get some work done so I can really relax. Tuesday. 9w1d. We leave for Argentina on the 16th of March. I am looking forward to feeling better for that!

Our next appointment is on the 14th of Feb with Dr.Caro Nel at Constantiaberg. She's going to be the Gynecologist who will C-section me if necessary on Squid's birth day. We should be finding out if we have a boy or a girl squid > I'm looking forward to finding out because I am looking forward to thinking about having a boy or a girl baby instead of just thinking 'baby'. I really don't mind which: I just want to know soon.

Nina found me a pregnancy exercise class in Kommetjie. I start tomorrow at 9am & will attend the class weekly. I really hope that it will help me relax & connect with my feelings better. I am also missing getting some exercise done so that will be great.

So this is what's going on:
By the end of this week, your baby measures about 2.3cm in length and weighs less than 2g. His eyelids, now completely covering his eyes, are fused and won't open until week 26. Tiny earlobes are now visible.

Your baby's essential body parts are accounted for, though they'll go through plenty of fine-tuning in the coming months. Already he looks more like a tiny human being. His wrists are more developed, his ankles have formed, and his fingers and toes are clear to see. His arms are growing longer and bend at the elbows. Now that your baby's basic physiology is in place, he's poised for rapid weight gain.

Though it's not yet possible to tell the sex of your baby by ultrasound, his genitals have begun to form. By now the placenta has developed enough to support most of the important job of producing hormones. The placenta is also making nutrients for your baby and getting rid of his waste products.

Hungry Hungry

My same-time preggo friend (around the same amount of weeks as pregnant as I am), Eloise, described the feeling of nausea really well: She said it feels like when you're so hungry that you feel that empty, nauseous feeling in the pit of your stomach > and that is really how it feels - I'm so 'hungry', all the time. It just never goes away. Food helps temporarily: if I can decide on something that I actually want to eat.

Most food I can't even think about eating.. and I've totally gone of anything that tastes too strong. So breakfast today was plain yogurt, an apple & some almonds. By 11.30am I was ravenous so I had a slice of pumpkin seed rye with cottage cheese & one with honey.

...and then sleep!
Eloise has a job in an office so she has to go in every day. I don't know how she does it - I never used to sleep during the day & now it is impossible not to.

I'm so exhausted all the time. I actually had quite a good sleep today. I dreamed that we were on an airplane and there were 7 engines. The engines started failing & suddenly someone realised that the engines working were directly linked to our baby feeling happy...so I ran to [him/her] and started rubbing [his/her] tummy. I remember marveling at how comfortable & natural I was with our child... and then I got onto the table (there was a wood & marble kitchen table on the plane) and sat with my legs up on it with the baby lying on the table between my legs. As I rubbed baby's tummy, [he/she] giggled & I remember feeling as though the plane was saved.

How is one supposed to get motivated to drive for 18 minutes over a mountain pass to get to the gym to do exercise when one just feels like sleeping???

Yesterday I skipped ahead to the birth part of What to Expect. I suppose I have to find out about that at some point. I found a bit that says that "how you wear your pubic hair for the birth is entirely up to you" > I think this is hilarious. Geoff was looking forward to the shaving. I also read about delivering one's baby yourself. They make it sound so easy -- there's a few steps to follow and hey presto: baby is born! (sounds to me like a much more cost-effective solution than all the palaver of doing it the responsible way with midwife & doctors & the hospital stuff on hand).

Tomorrow is our first scan. I can't wait to see squid's (yes-that's our temporary name) heartbeat :)